mid-life crisis?

I wanted to drop something real hot/profound about the election, the political process, the hypocrisy ingrained in American culture, classism v. racism, etc. However, I'm feeling rather self-involved of late.

I feel like a monster.

I've been feeling fat and ugly lately. Like I hate looking in the mirror. Not feeling my hair, not feeling my face, not feeling the wardrobe, nuttin. After aggressively going after my facial hair, I thought I'd feel better by now.

Here's how this (sorta) began:: after that initial visit, Travis, my aesthetician (who is a sweetheart) suggested I try some products to help the skin around the facial hair recover from all the damage I've done. I'm thinking YES! I can have better looking skin. So we've been experimenting with products, trying to get the "right' combination.

The (desired)result: My skin is cracking and peeling. BADLY. I look like Goldmember from the Austin Powers movie, and the temptation to keep the dead skin in a box that I can occasionally dip into, to grab a piece & nibble on isn't there AT ALL - but I feel just as creepy. I have facial dandruff (go on & laugh...if it wasn't me, it would be hilarious).

At any given time, I've got dead skin on my face, clothes, in my hair, etc.The new skin is pink. I'm brown - chocolatey at that. Big pink splotches on my cheeks aren't a good look for me - so now I'm feeling MJ and the vitiligo. The bags & circles under my eyes are more pronounced, since I've been burning the candles at both ends, and since my cheeks are pink.

Travis, (bless his heart, because I have been bugging the CRAP outta him about this) with all the patience he can muster, says "thing is sweety, that's what your skin is supposed to be doing. The skin underneath all the peeling is looking really good, so the products are working. Be patient honey - this is the part of Extreme Makeover they don't show..."

I'm trying, really. And not for anything, but I truly didn't know I was this shallow, or obsessed with my appearance. But when the skin looks REALLY bad, I haven't wanted to go outside - not to work, not to class, nowhere. I feel like I suddenly look about 50.

As I'm writing this, I am literally thinking "now you have really lost your mind. The last thing you need is to open yourself up to have some internet stranger validate your thinking by simply saying 'you're not the most attractive woman I've seen...'".

Oh well, maybe someone out there will get something out of this.

In the meantime, I managed to piss the maintenance man completely off by cancelling a last-minute date we had. Inconsiderate, yes. Inconsiderate to the point where you have to go off on me twice? Nah, I don't think so. So, lacking any empathy there (I mean, after all he IS the maintenance dude - why would I get any empathy?), after the second time, I figured this is God's way of telling me that I need to let that go, so I let that go. I do hope he finds whomever he's looking for.

And as for me, I gave myself a mini-extreme makeover: Straightened my hair, but some new makeup, etc. After a trip to the manicurist tomorrow, maybe I can then work on getting my head right.

Oh, and the consensus of my friends: It's not nearly as bad as i think.

If anyone out there reads this (and yes, I know this is shallow and prolly NOT what I need), can you send a super-fine brotha my way to fawn all over me? My ego needs stroking.

ETA:: Ok, yes - it is deeper than that. Grad school is intermittently overwhelming, work has been stressing me. Java-warrior has turned into a data monkey. My old boss took me to lunch, and gave me a really - I mean REALLY meaningful talk. It really helped - crystallized & validated some of my feelings, and he even empathized with the overwhelming feelings I've been feeling. And my support groups - friends - have all lauded me for the discipline I've shown towards school.

But at 3am? I just want to be held, want someone to say "I got you", tell me I'm pretty, intelligent, and ...yes....worthy.

You know your self-esteem is shot to all hell when: You look longingly at drag-queens, wishing to be that feminine AND fierce

Nuff said - I'm going to inhale enuff again.